A Journey back to Communion with My Heavenly Father.

Hey there,

I am writing, to the one who thinks their sin is too big to be forgiven. Fortunately, no sin is too big nor too small, a sin is a sin and a struggle is a struggle. I am writing, to the one who is stuck in hiding because they are ashamed of being thrown at stones. Guess what, Jesus took all the shame and paid it all at the cross and He himself does not condemn us, who then should?

I am writing, to the one who thinks God despises them for they have sinned. His love for us, for you, is tremendously large and it endures spectacularly and all He wants for us is to go back to communion with Him, as imperfect as we are! I am writing, to the one who feels they have fallen too far. Sorry to say, you are still breathing. It’s never too late to turn back to Jesus. He’s waiting for you with arms wide open.

To be honest, sharing my life’s journey with a great number of people was once a pipe dream, but the Holy Spirit’s work in me has birthed an inexplicable boldness to come out of hiding and to reach out to those who have experienced the same.

I am going to unfold the mess of my sin and the depths of my brokenness and how God has used my dysfunction for His function, for His glory. However, for this to happen I had to turn to Christ in total surrender and obedience, confess my sins and not only to God but also to a fellow believer, yes I was a Christian living a sinful life, and to embrace His grace, that I had been forgiven.

Let’s dive in, shall we?

When I was a kid, a long long time ago, I stumbled upon graphic scenes from a movie and there my innocence got stripped away by the enemy. Sin got a hold of me by sight in a matter of seconds. The seed of sin was planted in my heart. At the ages of nine to ten, my mum and I paid frequent visits to my aunt. My cousin, who was then older molested me and told me to be silent about it, to toss it out the window. As I have come to know, sin thrives in silence and it is never satisfied, so the more I fed it the more it grew. And as most kids are, I grew curious and picked up so much growing up and eventually fell into the sin of masturbation. For years on end, I struggled through this sin until, I came across a sermon on sexual immorality and for the first time I was convicted of my sin. But fear befell me and I decided I wasn’t going to break the silence.

Furthermore, the enemy silenced me with shaming thoughts, self-condemning ones. Guilt and shame became a stronghold in my life and an ever waging battle in my mind. I was crippled by fear so much so, that even the thought of sharing my struggles with somebody meant that I would be met with judgement. This sin had become habitual, to a point that it was arduous to come out of. It was an outlet for my anxiety, frustrations, and boredom, to mention but a few. In this cycle, I hardened my heart as a result become numb to God’s voice. I became a rebellious child. I found that the least places I wanted to be was around church, God’s people and His word. Even so, I kept finding myself in church because I knew deep inside Christ was my only hope. At some point in this journey, I tried to work myself up, ‘to save myself’, tried to earn points from a God, who I had distanced myself from. I would repent, sin again, and fall into shame and guilt. (I’m sure some of us can relate).  At this point I was taking advantage of His grace He so often offered. (There were days where I genuinely repented and escaped sinning only for a short while. There were days of soaring highs and many days of sordid lows, quite a rollercoaster.) It became a game of grace versus sin. Little did I know that I was doing it by my own might. I tried to find myself yet I was losing my life. I was struggling for perfection so that He could use me only and only when I became perfect.

** Sin thrives in silence**

Not long ago I was at the darkest point of my life and my stoic nature couldn’t allow anyone to see it. I went searching for a relationship thinking that it could be my place of solace, where all problems in my life would flee. I needed a quick fix. I got myself into one and was emotionally involved with this person and before the relationship could go any further, there was an invasion of God’s light that exposed the state of my life (how broken I was since I was a kid). That if I continued to pursue sin, it would bare fruits of not only spiritual death, was already born, but also physical death, fornication that would probably lead to abortion.  To say less, the relationship came to an end.  This was the turning point of my life. I grew weary of carrying a burden I wasn’t supposed to, running away from a God I couldn’t hide from. I surrendered my life to God and allowed Him to get into the most broken parts of my inner being. He gracefully broke me and till now He’s reforming the pieces and putting them back together. All this was possible because of obedience to God’s voice. (I broke the silence and by doing so the power of sin over me was broken.)

Since then I’ve been met with so much grace and redemption and an inexplicable love. I got into a lasting relationship with God, and that intimacy bred a new and reformed identity.  He says this of me and of you who yields to Him and obeys Him, that we are chosen, set apart, predestined and adopted, redeemed and forgiven. All the lies the enemy had planted in me were torn down as I continued to immerse myself in God’s word. I can attest that He is leaving no tables unturned. A permanent fix is taking place. I understood that Christ didn’t die for me to live a limited life, but one full of abundance. I got to lose my life and find it in Him. I also got baptized and gained a new life in Christ. (One sacred moment in my life).

With Christ’s love burning within me, I get to live out my faith standing with people who have or are experiencing such a trauma, shacked up in their rooms in guilt and shame, to come out of hiding as I continue to experience healing. (You don’t have to be perfect for Him to use you.)

I can’t say that trials don’t come my way, they do, but the Holy Spirit, who dwells within me, us, has become my biggest help, my friend, and he helps me to walk in obedience, crucifying my flesh daily and choosing God over my selfish desires.  Another way that has really helped me to battle sin, is accountability.  Having people within my network who hold me accountable by asking tough uncomfortable questions has really kept me in check. Also forgiving those who hurt me and asking for forgiveness from those I hurt in return, was also freeing. I believe at some point in our lives we all need to be forgiven and also forgive. My last words to you who, if you will to be set free, Christ is more than willing to work your way into freedom, because He loves you and He wants to give you an abundant life, one full of joy and peace cause He is joy and peace. You can’t do it by your own might. It will take a lot of you, letting go of your pride and wearing humility, but it is worth it . Humility can hurt but God’s grace has always been sufficient. 

You can follow Susan on her instagram @s.gathura_




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August 17, 2020